Steve and the Beast

Steve and the Beast 

Written by, Ph.D  Rafael Monserrate.  
The following is a fictional story inspired by real events in collaboration with the poet, Sergio A. Ortiz Rivera.

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The first time Steve saw the beast he was 4.5 years old.  He had a dream where a roaring beast approached him.  He woke up crying, scared.  His parents punished him “unnecessarily” for waking them and his baby brother up. Steve was of small build, 1.09 meters tall, slim, light brown skin. Fear and anger are still part of his life. 

His body shook whenever he tried to get comfortable on the floor of the closet where his mother locked and tied him, body and hands, ordered by Erin, his stepfather. 

Fear and uncertainty slept and woke up in Steve's bed.  At his young age he knew that he was in danger. Anything could happen, like getting killed, if his stepfather got really upset.  He'd be blamed and locked in the closet again, a representation of loneliness and isolation in his tender mind.  His consolation in confinement were a green dinosaur and a blue soldier, both plastic. A teddy bear that was once new and beautiful.  At 6, his most significant relationship was with an old stuffed panda he could hug and talk to in the solitude of his confinement. 

Steve knew that he'd be punished, but he didn't understand why. He was just playing with his younger half-sibling, Erin's natural son. He cried. His stepfather stopped the car on a street in front of a store in the middle of Chicago and left the 6-year-old alone for what seemed like an eternity.
6, his slim body of 1.09 meters tall, on the strip between lanes. Terror took hold of him, he cried and screamed, but no one heard him. No one came to rescue him.  After an hour, he stopped crying and screaming, making himself invisible.  He sensed that in this situation it was better not to feel anything, so he turned off the SOS signals.  When his father returned to pick him up, he didn't speak.  He was anesthetized with such immense sadness that it made him tremble.  Even so, he was tied up, locked in the dark closet when they got home.  All this so that he would learn, “You're never too young to be
 a responsible Christian.”  His stepfather, Brother Erin, is a pastor by profession.

It was annoying to hear the sobs of his stepson locked in the dark closet. He searched for comfort in the Bible and read aloud for Steve to hear, “My son, do not
 consider the discipline of the Lord little, and do not be discouraged when rebuked by him, because the Lord disciplines whomever he loves and scourges everyone whom he accepts as a son,” Hebrews 12:5–6.
Feeling that he had done the right thing and comforted by his actions, the pastor thought,
 “He must be punished because he is loved." Those were his words as he closed his Bible. He pronounced them with the greatest tranquility and continued the day in peace while Steve remained tied up, locked away in the dark. Crying, afraid and silent in the closet, leaning against the worn-out panda bear with him.

Steve learned to live with fear and a lot of caution.  Likewise, he learned to create a world of his own, accompanied by his dinosaur, the little soldier, and his worn-out panda.  He developed a shy character, his shyness was his survival strategy developed to deal with the unpredictability of his reality.  He told himself, “The less noise I make, the less I attract attention, and the less I get punished.”  Steve was intelligent; he observed and learned, but this acuity contributed to the discomfort of his stepfather: “He is always asking things; he talks a lot.”

Brother Erin was a complicated man. Thin, light skin, average height, a small, elongated face, and a glare somewhere between mocking and arrogant.  He met Carmen, Steve's mother, in church. Divorced, very devout teacher. His interest and affection were never going to be the same for Steve. Seeing that, Steve reminded him that his wife had shared her body with another man.  It was evident to Brother Erin that he and his new wife had light skin, but the boy had darker skin. He thought that if this information was clear to him, it should be clear to others, and this bothered him.
Furthermore, this boy was awkward. He asked a lot of questions and had strange tastes. He had a certain grace and delicacy in his gestures that did not seem to belong to a man.  Brother Erín observed Steve's mannerisms and discussed them with Carmen, but to her, those were childish things that he would grow out of.  Brother Erin did not agree, he was worried about the possibility of having a little "pato" in his home around his children. A demon who chose
abomination for a lifestyle.  He kept him at a distance and applied a lot of discipline because “that child needs discipline.”

“Faithful to the Word” was the name of the congregation that brother Erín pastored.  It was characterized by the literal interpretation of ancient scriptures.  He preached the wrath of God, the healing fire that his god would send into the world to cleanse it. He started the congregation on the premise that everyone, including boys and girls, were sinners, and that we all had to suffer to cleanse our sins.

Erín Gandía suffered as a child. Orphaned by his father at a young age, he had to fight to forge a future.  He hoisted himself up high. He was rigid because he thought it was the only way to break the cycle of poverty. The absence of his father marked and distressed him, but he understood why.  He found some peace in reading and preaching the word.  Deep inside, Erin's emptiness continued without him being able to explain or silence it.  He was tender, attentive and affectionate with his parishioners, but at home he applied the most rigid discipline. In the face of his shortcomings, order, discipline, and control of emotions helped to somewhat alleviate his anguish.
For the pastor of the congregation, “Faithful to the Word”, this child, Esteban, Steve, is so fragile, childish, curious, the product of a previous relationship. “Clearly a mistake from his wife's youth” represented discomfort in his life. Erín thought that Steve ate a lot, cried a lot, asked a lot, shouted a lot, and was messy. To the spiritual advisor, the apostle, who couches on how to live as a family in harmony and peace, his stepson became an evil manifestation. He made it his responsibility to correct him, make him a “good God-fearing Christian,” and to reprimand him if he failed to comply. Brother Erín, the man of God, demonized his stepson, scarring him for the rest of his life.

Steve, on his part, felt constantly watched.  He had a recurring dream of a beast that stalked him, from whose eyes and mouth shot orange fire.  He would wake up sweaty and scared, but he wouldn't cry, he knew that if he woke up his parents, he would be punished again.  He never spoke of his encounters with the beast for fear of being punished.  When he needed comfort, he'd gather around his three friends—the dinosaur, the soldier and the worn-out panda—and fall asleep with them in bed. The strength of his spirit guided him to continue living, feeling, experiencing, and learning.

Carmen, Steve's mother, also lived in fear. A woman of average build, black hair, light skin, short stature, and a fearful, distrustful look. Carmen was afraid of the man she loved. Carmen's fear does not respond to physical abuse. But there were constant disapproving looks, control, and contemptuous comments that can cause greater pain than body blows. Sometimes Carmen went as far as preferring that he tie her up and lock her up in the closet. At least then she would have something concrete to get upset about, and perhaps she'd also rebel one day. But no, the beast that stalked Carmen had no face, it was hammered into attitudes of rejection and humiliation. Even though she no longer loved him, she still believed that Erin wasn't that bad.

Erín made sure Carmen was emotionally dependent on him. He didn't offer her affection. He constantly criticized everything she did for him, reminding her that she needed him and that without him, she would be nobody. Carmen considered ending her relationship with Erin. But Erin threatened to take away her children and leave her living with Steve in extreme poverty if she even tried. Since Carmen grew up surrounded by poverty and hardship, the idea of ​​returning to it frightened her. From that fear came the strength to tolerate Erin.

Carmen had to work hard, the prospect of poverty forced her to focus all her energy on making a life for herself and her newborn son. She decided not to breastfeed Esteban. She fed him bottled milk. So she could return to work faster. Furthermore, she justified her decision by saying that breastfeeding the child caused an allergy in her hands. It was the grandmother who was in charge of giving the child the bottle. This had an impact in two different ways: on the one hand, Steve became sickly. The other consequence of not breastfeeding her child was that a close bond was not created between the two beings. Carmen was a mother, but there was a wall between her and her son. "I didn't have the time and energy,'' she said to herself.

Carmen married in love with the possibility of a better life for her and Steve. The idea of ​​becoming part of the pastor's church family presented promises of a better life for her and her son, a greater status. But from the beginning of the relationship, she observed that Erín did not like Steven. She kept saying, "It takes time, but time never came. As the years went by, that distance grew. The discomfort between them also grew. Carmen learned to keep quiet, but every time Erin glared at her, obviously upset with Steve, she knew it was her responsibility to appease her husband's anger by punishing the child. It broke her heart to have to tie up and lock her son in the dark. But she consoled herself by believing that she is doing it for the good of the child. She also thought that if she changed Steve's mannerisms, he could be saved in the eyes of God.

School became Steve's refuge. He felt more at ease at school than at home. He also liked his teacher, Mrs. González. She'd listened to him, taught him new things. On one occasion, when the topic of discussion was “family,” the teacher decided to talk to the students about what a father was. Steve's classmates talked about his parents, how they treated them. Steve didn't say anything, he just listened. Something didn't make sense to him. All of his classmates spoke well of their parents. They described them as loving, attentive people who shared time and played with them. Steve was clear that this was not his experience with Erin. That night, Steve had a dream about faeries. It was a recurring dream where the beast spit fire through its eyes and mouth, but this time he managed to see his face. His face reflected a lot of anger, he had a mocking smile, and he looked like Erin. Steve began to think that Erín should not be his father because parents do not mistreat their children. The boy had a hard time harmonizing the different faces of his stepfather. The kindness he showed at church contrasted with his dry, distant, and annoying demeanor at home. Fairies fluttered around his head until he glared right back at the beast. A memory preserved like a digital photograph that never left. In the midst of his confusion, he decided to ask his teacher how or why a person could say one thing in one place and act contrary to what they said in another place. His teacher answered that there were people who had problems. She explained the meaning of the word hypocrite. Steve's eyes popped. His brain recorded the word hypocrite. The word seemed funny but powerful because it had the ability to explain something that he could not understand until that moment. He repeated it to himself syllable by syllable, hypo-cri-ta, and he wrote it in his notebook. He began to weave a story about how Erín kidnapped his mother and him. Threatened his mother if they left. Little Steve had unknowingly deciphered the relationship between his parents. From that moment on, Steve began to see Erin differently and to distrust him

Life continued unaltered for the Gandía family.  But, as Fathers Day approached, Steve found out that his family was making arrangements to celebrate that date at church.  He saw his stepfather reading the Bible and taking notes for that day's sermon.  This caused him confusion and distress. He wondered, how should he react to his stepfather that day?  He kept repeating in his head that Erin should not be his father, but he lived with him, and he knew that Erín was the one in charge at home.

When Father's Day arrived that Sunday, Steve woke up somewhat confused.  He had an idea of ​​the meaning of this day, but since he distrusted Erín he didn't know how to react to it.  He decided to take his plastic soldier in one of his pants pockets to serve as support.  During breakfast he kept his head down looking at his plate of food.  Carmen, with some emotion, asks her son, “Steve, today is Father's Day, what do you want to say to your dad?”  Steve slowly raised his head, looked at Erin and sparingly and without emotion said, “Congratulations.” Erin responded, “Thank you,” without even looking at him.  On the way to church, while Erin was driving he looked happy, it was Father's Day, his day, and he had written a sermon on the meaning of fatherhood of which he felt proud of.  Steve, sitting in the back seat, just looked out the window without saying a word or expressing emotion.  He was trying to make sense of what he thought and what he felt.  It was Father's Day, and he was with this being who supposedly was his father but who did not demonstrate any of the attributes that a father is supposed to have.  He didn't play with him, he didn't look at him, he didn't hug him, he hardly spoke to him unless it was to reprimand him. Steve couldn't understand any of it.

The church atmosphere at church was joyful. People showed up in their best clothes.  As the brothers and sisters entered, they greeted each other and commented on how “pretty” they were, while Steve remained distant.  They sit in the front row, as benefactors of the pastor's family.  After praying and singing, Erín began his speech about what he understood was the meaning of being a father.

Erín began his speech for the day:

“Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name.  Your will be done in heaven as it is on earth.  Father, just as we are parents in the flesh, we are children in spirit.  Being parents, together with serving the Lord, is one of the greatest responsibilities a man can have.  But what is a father?  Father is not he who engenders, father is he who forms the character of his son.  But this is not an easy task.  To be a father you have to know how to balance love, affection and discipline.  Discipline is important and necessary. What would become of us without discipline?

Suddenly he stops his speech and looks directly at Steve, while the congregation says in chorus, “Amen”;  and he continues.

 “Because our father, God, not only created us, but he loves us, he continues to provide for us and forgives us our sins (Matthew 5:48).  Likewise, God also disciplines us (Hebrews 12:5-11), because he loves us.  A good father is not one who allows everything to his children, a good father does like God, provides and disciplines, because just as we are all sinners, we all need to be rebuked.  The image of God as our father offers us some clues to what human fatherhood should be like.  God wants sons and daughters strong in faith, disciplined in character, and tender in affection.  The Christian father knows that the same hand that caresses is the same hand that punishes.” Listening to these words, Steve looks around and observes that many of the parishioners are smiling, making gestures of approval, and repeating “Amen” with every pause his stepfather makes.  He feels annoyed, puts his hands in his pants pockets, stares at his stepfather, squeezes his plastic soldier tightly and repeats to himself, “Hi-pó-cri-ta.

Suddenly he understood everything clearly. He felt no guilt, on the contrary, he experienced a feeling of relief, as if he had discovered a great liberating truth.  It was like a light that turned on in the closet where he was locked up.  He felt comforted, and for the first time in his short life he felt empowered. 

The beast of his dreams, which looked like his stepfather, was liar, a hypocrite.  There and then Steve decided that he would not tolerate any more lies or hypocrisy in his life. He exchanged his fear for courage.  He would no longer experience the fear of being locked in the closet.  Each lockdown event would fuel his courage, and make him stronger to fight against hypocrisy and injustices.  In his mind he organized his fighting army with his dinosaur, his little soldier and the worn-out stuffed panda. Together they would fight against all lies.

The change from fear to courage provided him with strength because fear would no longer define his life.  But this decision would mark a hard life path, of honest decisions, in a hypocritical world, which would bring new forms of punishment as consequences.